Bus Ride Home

Bus Ride Home

The sunlight tickled my left eyebrow, as I lay my heavy head deeper into the fur hood of my winter coat. It was almost as if the golden light was grazing my face with its fingertips, causing me to wince and sneeze a little. Allergies. 

I sense the middle-aged woman behind me flinch ever so slightly as I shudder from my sneeze, and I apologize in my mind, ‘Sorry woman, but don’t worry, I don’t have Corona,’ then I catch myself thinking, ‘-but I might as well, if every other day of my life turns out as miserable as this one,’ But of course, it’s just a split-second thought, I’d never die because I’m too weak and too strong at the same time. On days like this, a woman’s got to remind herself that there are things to live for and live by, there are tasks to be done, there are people to be met and dreams to be ravished and places to be conquered and- 

-my phone shudders too, I frown as I grudgingly pull it out of my coat pocket, careful as so not to pull too hard on the wire(wireless earphones just don’t make sense to me – or so I tell myself whenever I check my card receipts every now and then), and I raise my eyebrows intentionally as I read- ‘Konni Kim. here’s the password. Bye.’ I mean, three years together and that’s how we’re going to address each other now that we’re done? Come on, this isn’t 1970. 

It sucks enough that I had to ask my ex for the password to our joint webdrive, but what sucks more is having to rummage through 9,476 haunting files to pick out my own photos from the stack of remains of what used to be a relationship. Why is it that love makes us do stupid things like share a fucking webdrive? Never making that mistake again. 

Love sucks, I think as I try to push out any recurring images of him with his new girlfriend, telling myself it’s over and it’s not worth it, it’s not like you were going to marry him in the end anyways, it was a tied up knotted no-good situation and this was going to happen one way or another, but then all the ‘what if’ arguments start boring a hole in my head, asking me ‘what if you had somehow held on’ and ‘what if you had been a better person’ and-

-my misery debate is interrupted by the announcement of the bus telling me I’m home. 

Copyright, all rights reserved, konnikim.com

Dear Future Me

Dear future me,

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You’re the person I am forced to live each day for, the name I’m choked up to my throat with when I fail to be diligent, the face that I pray will hold a prettier, more confident smile, the winner’s smile; the type that can ‘light up a whole room’ instead of be judged by boys that won’t even remember my name. You’re the hound that lives under my bed and inside my covers when I sleep, keeping me up until 4am, just prodding at my chest, my twitching spine, on my eyelids shut so firmly to just convince myself for a millisecond that maybe I’m mistaken- maybe, just maybe, you will come kindly. But I open my eyes again, first slowly but now immediately because I have more to lose than before, and in that moment, as I shudder and tug my covers closer to my twisted stomach and racing heart, I know with every fiber of my being that you will not come to me. You do not love me yet. I am told that I must live for you and chase you until I reach you. Then you’ll love me for the things I’ve done.

It’s a crazy thing, living for someone. Living for you entails sacrifices that I’m never ready to make and the type of selflessness and patience that I know I don’t have. We’ve both heard it one too many times, not to let someone become your everything. It’s dangerous. Every sign you give me, whether it’s a shift of your eyeballs inside their squeaky-clean sockets as I imagine you looking me in the face or the sound of your laughter reminding me that I have a purpose, resonates inside the neurons of my brain and threatens to block everything else out of my vision. But future me, that’s not how I am, so it hurts! It hurts to say no to painting all night with black coffee and Rachel Yamagata on repeat! It hurts to sacrifice the immediate adventures beckoning for me in every corner and the non-adventures telling me to sleep a little longer, ‘what more is there to life, anyways?’. It hurts that we don’t even know each other and maybe never will, though I still am obligated to chase after you, laughing in my hopefulness all the while like a fool, but that’s the only way I know to live. And for that I will always hate you.

But, then again, how could I ever truly hate you? You force me to hold back hot tears when I hear my mother’s ill voice on the phone, the sound of her voice telling . You force me to brush that boy out of my head to focus on my work to make sure I don’t lose you. All those mornings back in when I used to wake up feeling like I wanted to die because of the obsessive-compulsive disorder that made me do every action over, and over, and over again bring me back to you because whenever my mind and body tried to betray me, I knew you would always be there in whatever form.

One day you’ll stop for a while, turn around, and see me standing there right behind you with weary grey eyes with asymmetric wrinkles carved on the sides and a crooked smile showing the black void in my mouth where my yellow teeth used to be. And then you’ll finally take the timid step toward my body and greet me and congratulate me with a kiss, sucking the remaining few wisps of life out of me. And then we will be in total harmony and unity and I will know that I have caught up with you after a lifetime of mad, wonderful obsession.

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The VERY INSPIRING BLOGGER AWARD goes to…me!

Hey readers! : D (great big smile, because I’m always excited to meet you guys)

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I come with stupendous news today! I was just awarded the Very Inspiring Blogger Award by an awesome blogger who runs this blog:

Just Mad Stuff (http://justmadstuff.wordpress.com/)

It’s a photography blog but this blogger also posts about fashion, food, and other fun topics and I love it! You should really go and give it a visit. She’s an interesting person and she’s also 17-like me! : D

Here’s a very big, affectionate Thank You (internet)hug to the blogger of Just Mad Stuff

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So  now that I’ve received this wonderful award(Yay!), apparently I’m supposed to pick my own inspirational bloggers and pass on the glory.

Here’s my pick!

#1. Make Something Mondays! http://makesomethingmondays.wordpress.com/

This blogger inspires me because: Her posts are super-unique and I enjoy reading about her DIY crafts. These days she’s posted a lot about Valentine’s Day-this is a sad topic for me because I don’t have a boyfriend : (  but this blogger just makes everything all better by showing us her cute, fun, easy-to-do Valentine’s Day themed ideas! She recently just uploaded a DIY Valentine’s Day themed Mason Jar Hot Chocolate Gift tutorial post, and I actually tried it out at home myself!(and ate it alone while reading a book in my room. #foreveralone *sob*)

#2. Hello Gloua http://hellogloua.com/

This blogger inspires me because: She’s one of the most honest bloggers I’ve ever seen, and I know that being honest is hard-especially to strangers. Through her blog, she gives her readers a place in her life, and that’s one of the wonders of blogging. She doesn’t exaggerate or try to act superior-she just gives us a dose of her daily life, and reading her blog is like reading someone’s diary(I know you all love doing that). She’s a fun, sweet person and the story of how she fell in love with her husband really made my heart all warm and fuzzy. : ) (Check out the OUR STORY page on her blog to read the story.)

#3. Sweet and Crumby http://sweetandcrumby.com/

This blogger inspires me because: Okay, I admit that I’m not the best cook/baker in the world, but reading this blog makes me want to be! This is a baking blog, which is an area of the blogosphere that’s not really easy to stumble upon unless you’re professionally interested in baking. It’s an area that I’m not too familiar with(being a 17 year old high schooler stuck in a swamp full of school and homework), and that’s why it intrigues me even more! Before coming across this blog, I never knew that baking was so artistic and took so much effort. I salute this blogger’s passion in baking.