Changes

There do need to be some changes in my life. I mean doing things I actually love. Simply put, doing less of the meaningless things and more of what I find meaning in. 


Right after diving into the Mediterranean Sea!

I used to think ‘changes’ meant transforming my environment. Getting rid of exterior things like people that didn’t really serve much purpose to me(ouch), looking for a better job, transforming the way I look. But I came to realize that those things, although they may help, can only be refreshing for a certain period of time. What’s really mind-changing, life-changing, is people and love and passion. 

I always loved stories. Especially stories of people. I loved to be able to place myself in someone else’s shoes for even a little while, and it would give me an exciting sense of liberation that nothing else in the world could offer. I was more interested in the decisions people made throughout their lives and what events influenced them to make those decisions, rather than the things that they owned as a result of those decisions. Stories are a continuous process, not a result. 

However I am sometimes blinded by expectations. In my life, people have always expected a lot from me. I also always expected a lot from myself. I expected a lot of success, a lot of money, a lot of experience, and a lot of love. I could feel my own greed outgrowing my skin, as I struggled between school, jobs, trips, friends, the social scene, family issues, lovers, and more jobs. I needed the crazy nights as much as I needed the part time jobs, and I couldn’t let go of school but I did still want to do my own projects outside of the restricting boundaries of a school curriculum. Although it took time to admit it was a sort of abusion, I now definitely see that it was an unhealthy process of self-harm.

Me dancing with a completely random dude at a boat party.

However I am sometimes blinded by expectations. In my life, people have always expected a lot from me. I also always expected a lot from myself. I expected a lot of success, a lot of money, a lot of experience, and a lot of love. I could feel my own greed outgrowing my skin, as I struggled between school, jobs, trips, friends, the social scene, family issues, lovers, and more jobs. I needed the crazy nights as much as I needed the part time jobs, and I couldn’t let go of school but I did still want to do my own projects outside of the restricting boundaries of a school curriculum. Although it took time to admit it was a sort of abusion, I now definitely see that it was an unhealthy process of self-harm.

Ibiza taught me about happiness. For most of my recent years, I was on a quest to be as superior as I could. Better grades, better looks, a better paycheck. But Ibiza truly liberated me. I remember one of the waiters in a restaurant in Coco Beach referring to us as ‘friend’, laughing with us and trying his best to communicate to us using a language that he wasn’t even obligated to use. Cashiers paying us extra compliments even though they got nothing out of it. People at clubs, on the beach, taking the time to simply make conversation just for the sake of it. ‘Where do they get the energy?’ I thought. As a student with many jobs in Seoul, I never had the spare energy to look around or even care about my surroundings. It was hard enough trying to take care of myself, but now I think, ‘What for?’ If I’m miserable at the end of the day, when will I ever be successful enough to make myself happy?

Coco Beach, Ibiza. The food was great but the waiters were pure gold.

Humor, humility, and sincerity are all things that I overlooked because I was too proud to admit to myself that I was not the superwoman I once dreamed of being. I was afraid to let go of that extra job, and it killed me inside to fail another class because I was forcing myself to multitask day and night. Eventually everything became stressful, even the things I love. 

Bora Bora, Ibiza.

Now I carry the spirit of Ibiza in my heart. I know that the fun-loving, energetic girl is inside me somewhere. I need to make sure her voice isn’t muffled by the noise of daily life. This means doing more of what I love; less of what I don’t actually give a — about from the bottom of my heart. It means I need to slow down, and not beat myself up whenever I realize that even I can’t do five things at once. I need to love myself more, and know how to make fun of myself but also be my own best fan at the same time.

Bon voyage, everyone!

Hey readers,

I don’t really get to travel a lot because being a high school student in Korea takes up so much time and energy(Gahh I’m not kidding-I have lots of friends that only get 3 hours of sleep every night even though it’s the summer holidays right now), but sometimes I do find the space to just get away for a while and relax. A week ago I went on a family trip to the seaside! There’s this island called Jebudo on the west coast of Korea. We stayed there for just two days but I had an alright time, writing stuff, reading Shakespeare(okay to be honest the reading part was pretty boring), taking long walks along the shore, and barbecuing!

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(No kidding. I was reading Shakespeare in Jebudo.)

Aside from the stay at the island, one thing I noticed during the length of the whole trip was that for some reason I enjoyed the journey of getting to Jebudo more than actually being there. It occurred to me that this wasn’t the first time. Thinking back on most of my past trips, I had always anticipated and loved the journey to the destination more than the destination itself. (But don’t get me wrong- I don’t mean that I don’t appreciate the experience of mingling with people and chilling out at vacation spots. I just tend to enjoy it less. If that makes any sense.)

To be honest I think it’s partly because the ride there gives me some time to breathe; some ‘vacant’ time. It’s a time when I’ve got nothing planned and can rightfully waste time without feeling guilty-since there’s nothing planned which means it’s basically blank time, right?(Okay writing this is making me feel guilty… I guess being good at self-rationalization has its drawbacks!) Seriously, it’s one of the best feelings ever to just sit in the car/plane/train/whatever and look out at all the buildings and people and fields and cows(I really did see some cows on a field. No kidding.), imagining what their lives must be like. Although, life as a building is probably pretty boring. I love the moments of simply listening to good music, eating snacks, and writing about whatever comes to mind, like there’s no tomorrow. Usually I always have to think about my schedule and plans and all the things I have to do, and that gets to my head sometimes.

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(Journey to the top of the mountain…in my favorite comfy oversized knitted sweater.)

However, ultimately I think it’s because, when I’m going on a voyage, I like the feeling of knowing that the immediate future is unpredictable and may hold unlimited fun and happiness, even more than the sensation of the actual ‘having fun’ part that happens at the destination of the journey. In my daily life I spend way too much time worrying or being paranoid about my future-“Will I get this done on time?” “Will my teacher scold me for this?” “What if I screw up on this test again?”-that, upon hearing the phrase ‘the future’, I seem to unconsciously light a fire of paranoia inside my mind, and the fire catches on and I start worrying about everything related to what I was originally worrying about. So when I have something to look forward to, it’s great to have that tingling feeling of positive anticipation about the future for a change.

Is this ultimately a good thing or a bad thing? I really don’t know. But I do know that, in a certain aspect, it can be a positive trait, if I interpret it in the right way! Unfortunately, I often observe that many people forget to enjoy the ride to a certain destination, whether it’s your dream job/school, fighting an illness, or even making a peanut butter sandwich(yeah, enjoy your sandwich-making, people). People are so focused on their destination that they don’t think to enjoy the journey of getting there. “Oh I’ve got that test next month? I guess I’ll just sit and memorize everything meaninglessly and lifelessly until I know enough to just get an A. And then I’ll empty all the information out so that I can start memorizing for the next test. Even though I hate studying. God I hate studying.” Honestly. I swear some people think like this(and it’s annoying…). I mean, I understand that goals are made for achieving. But Dorothy wouldn’t have met the wizard of Oz without spending all that time making weird friends and getting into trouble with those witches! One way or another, Dorothy had to follow the yellow brick road to get to Oz. It was up to her to either enjoy the road or to whine the whole way there.

Let’s enjoy the journey together! Let’s imagine a bright future and dream big, so big that it scares us just thinking about it. And let’s work hard but enjoy all the little things along the road. I’ll be there for you : )

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(I am the statue of liberty and I shall make you feel better-from my debate trip to NY)

Let me know about YOUR journey by leaving a comment(click the title of the post first, then scroll down to the bottom of the post- you’ll see the comment box and like button) or reaching out to me at konnikim@gmail.com. Actually, it doesn’t even have to be about your journey, it can be anything and I guarantee you I shall respond to everything, sooner or later. I haven’t been able to respond quickly to comments lately so sorry! But now I can! : D

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(“What? You wanna talk? Gurrl I am listenin’.)

Letter to my readers & Summer plans

Dear readers,

Ironically, now that finals are over, I’m going to think more.

I feel like my mind has been confined in a rectangular box for the past 2~3 weeks, since during exam period even reading about people’s views on women’s self-identity and introspection and thinking about feminism is considered a “waste of time”(when I personally think it’s one of the most meaningful things I did this exam period). I mean, I do support and believe in education but I just wish it would involve more independent thinking and individual creativity rather than solely depending on memorization skills.

Well anyways, I’m back! : D It’s summer and I’ve got more time to talk to you guys-my awesome readers whom I love ❤ Honestly, you guys are the best, most insightful readers I could ever wish for. I’m sorry if I sometimes take too long to reply to comments-I’ll try to be faster… And hey if you wanna leave feedback or just talk about anything send me an email: konnikim@gmail.com

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(attempting and failing to build sandcastles at the beach last summer with friends! can’t wait to go again.)

Although my favorite season is without doubt winter(snow! hot chocolate! boots!), I have to admit that summer is one crazy, crazy season. This summer I’m hoping to do lots of things. I’ve got so many ideas in my head right now so let me just write them out.

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(I miss my furry winter boots : (  )

1. Blog, blog, blog.

No one will ever be able to tear me away from my old laptop! (Arrg the ‘d’ key is missing because I was stressed and pulled it out and threw it across the room in a storm of rage two weeks ago… couldn’t find it : (  )

 

2. Think!

I know I mentioned above that I’m gonna think more. Specifically I mean that I’m going to try to reduce the amount of time I spend just routinely doing things. I want to question anything and everything and try to read more and analyze more.

 

3. Go on a diet  Nahh not happenin’. Can’t live without my crisps and Nesquik.

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(How to be my friend: give me Nesquik.)

 

3. Study more

Obviously.

 

4. Buy merchandise!!

Wishlist: Harry Potter wand(yes, I’m 17 years old), Harry Potter shirt, Nirvana shirt, My Chemical Romance shirt.

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(okay #shutupandtakemymoney)

 

5. Come up with more effective argumentation to use against ignorant people that oppose gay marriage/any other type of equality.

Sexists, racists, and basically any other group of biased organisms of the human species included.

 

6. Do something crazy with someone I love.

Because isn’t that what summer is all about??

 

7. Learn to forget the haters!

Seriously girl, you go up to my best friend and whisper in her ear just to tell her you think I’m ugly? That ain’t make you any prettier (or cooler, for that matter).

lll

 

8. Fangirl over Benedict Cumberbatch…

…and how unbelievably sexy he is in Sherlock.

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(isn’t this GIF cute? I think it’s adorable.)

 

9. Stop unfairly judging people.

Okay, okay this kind of contradicts #7, but come to think of it now I too unconsciously judge people. So let’s all try not to judge each other(myself included).

 

10. Improve my Spanish.

Yeah, sure, Spanish movies are super fun and artistic. It’s just that I can’t understand what they’re saying. Is someone dead? Are they going to dinner now..ohh they weren’t whispering love poems in each other’s ears they were arguing over a divorce. okay.

 

I can’t think of any more right now but I’ll add more to the list if I come up with anything. What are YOUR plans this summer?

Don’t forget to comment(click the title of this post, then scroll down!) or Like this post!

Thanks!

 

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