There do need to be some changes in my life. I mean doing things I actually love. Simply put, doing less of the meaningless things and more of what I find meaning in. 


Right after diving into the Mediterranean Sea!

I used to think ‘changes’ meant transforming my environment. Getting rid of exterior things like people that didn’t really serve much purpose to me(ouch), looking for a better job, transforming the way I look. But I came to realize that those things, although they may help, can only be refreshing for a certain period of time. What’s really mind-changing, life-changing, is people and love and passion. 

I always loved stories. Especially stories of people. I loved to be able to place myself in someone else’s shoes for even a little while, and it would give me an exciting sense of liberation that nothing else in the world could offer. I was more interested in the decisions people made throughout their lives and what events influenced them to make those decisions, rather than the things that they owned as a result of those decisions. Stories are a continuous process, not a result. 

However I am sometimes blinded by expectations. In my life, people have always expected a lot from me. I also always expected a lot from myself. I expected a lot of success, a lot of money, a lot of experience, and a lot of love. I could feel my own greed outgrowing my skin, as I struggled between school, jobs, trips, friends, the social scene, family issues, lovers, and more jobs. I needed the crazy nights as much as I needed the part time jobs, and I couldn’t let go of school but I did still want to do my own projects outside of the restricting boundaries of a school curriculum. Although it took time to admit it was a sort of abusion, I now definitely see that it was an unhealthy process of self-harm.

Me dancing with a completely random dude at a boat party.

However I am sometimes blinded by expectations. In my life, people have always expected a lot from me. I also always expected a lot from myself. I expected a lot of success, a lot of money, a lot of experience, and a lot of love. I could feel my own greed outgrowing my skin, as I struggled between school, jobs, trips, friends, the social scene, family issues, lovers, and more jobs. I needed the crazy nights as much as I needed the part time jobs, and I couldn’t let go of school but I did still want to do my own projects outside of the restricting boundaries of a school curriculum. Although it took time to admit it was a sort of abusion, I now definitely see that it was an unhealthy process of self-harm.

Ibiza taught me about happiness. For most of my recent years, I was on a quest to be as superior as I could. Better grades, better looks, a better paycheck. But Ibiza truly liberated me. I remember one of the waiters in a restaurant in Coco Beach referring to us as ‘friend’, laughing with us and trying his best to communicate to us using a language that he wasn’t even obligated to use. Cashiers paying us extra compliments even though they got nothing out of it. People at clubs, on the beach, taking the time to simply make conversation just for the sake of it. ‘Where do they get the energy?’ I thought. As a student with many jobs in Seoul, I never had the spare energy to look around or even care about my surroundings. It was hard enough trying to take care of myself, but now I think, ‘What for?’ If I’m miserable at the end of the day, when will I ever be successful enough to make myself happy?

Coco Beach, Ibiza. The food was great but the waiters were pure gold.

Humor, humility, and sincerity are all things that I overlooked because I was too proud to admit to myself that I was not the superwoman I once dreamed of being. I was afraid to let go of that extra job, and it killed me inside to fail another class because I was forcing myself to multitask day and night. Eventually everything became stressful, even the things I love. 

Bora Bora, Ibiza.

Now I carry the spirit of Ibiza in my heart. I know that the fun-loving, energetic girl is inside me somewhere. I need to make sure her voice isn’t muffled by the noise of daily life. This means doing more of what I love; less of what I don’t actually give a — about from the bottom of my heart. It means I need to slow down, and not beat myself up whenever I realize that even I can’t do five things at once. I need to love myself more, and know how to make fun of myself but also be my own best fan at the same time.

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