It’s been a tough year since I took a break from writing, and it’s overwhelming to come back and be here again, sitting in front of my old laptop(still the same one from high school).
My year was a pretty hectic one; 2016 opened up my first university semester and life as a full on adult. As readers know, every year I’ve expressed my confusion of how time flies and I’m so not ready for everything thrown into my face as I age. The confusion hit a peak last year, since I didn’t have a homeroom to contain my school day or a set of friends to sit with every single day. I was stripped of guidance and protection, released into the world.
The first semester went well, I was super motivated and focused on my fashion career, putting up a good front. At school I was ‘the busy girl’, running around with caffeine in one hand and a phone full of carefully coordinated conversations in another. The nice girl, whose best virtue is basically just the niceness of her, how she smiles at you at the team report meeting but you never see her outside of school because she’s just too nice to be at rowdy alcohol occasions. I had my eyes set on succeeding ASAP. At school we’d learn about brands like Warby Parker, brands that had contacted me on an individual basis in the past, and it made me feel even more ambitious.
And then there was summer break. Summer of ’16 brought to me a new breeze, one that changed me. Nights of rowdy alcohol occasions became my career. Something snapped, I wasn’t who I thought I was anymore. Clubbing, drinks, men, debauchery became my middle name. It was fine in the summer, because that’s what summers are for. Creating memories you don’t want to remember and getting introduced to names you’ll forget in the fall. This is what it’s like to be an adult, I was (probably) thinking.
Like everything, summer faded away. But I continued to plunge further into it, I lost my way out. I’d be home at 1 pm after drinking the other night, several nights in a row. I’d be doing who knows what at who knows where with who knows who. Last year was the year in which secrets and stories were created and basically, shit went down. I’ll write about what I’ve seen and done in time, little by little, when I feel ready to tell those stories.
People started labeling me again, tearing off the original ‘nice girl’ and ‘busy career girl’, replacing them with ‘party girl’, and, for some, ‘easy’. This became a problem and also a type of identity. A new level of identity that I’d never had before as a kid.
As time passed, the emptiness of not being present here on my blog started killing me inside. This may seem like just one of many blogs out there, but to me it’s a record of what I’ve devoted myself to for years, and the only place where I can find the mindspace to just be myself and let go of judgement.
Now, finally, in May of ’17, I’m back, and I’m finding a balance between everything. I feel like I’m back home from the wildest adventure of my life, and I’m here to tell you every little detail (and also deal with my career- exciting things are happening in that sector too!!).
Right now, I’m at Starbucks and about to take off to a business meeting(See? I have got my shit together now). I left this place with a post about how I’m off to study fashion, but I’ve got a lot more that fashion up my sleeve now after everything. I guess on the positive side, experience is a weapon. Trust me, I am more now than I’ve ever been before.
PS. Thank you to anyone and everyone sticking with me on this blog. I’ve read all your comments but haven’t had the time to reply to each and every one of them just yet. Thank you so, so much and I hope you have a great day today : )