I need to stop being so apologetic about myself. I feel so sorry for myself, sorry that my waist isn’t as thin as I’d like it to be; sorry that I can’t see or even contact my boyfriend because he’s away for most of the time(I see him about 4 days a month); sorry that I’m lazy; sorry that all my high school friends are off doing their own thing now. As if I’m the most sorry girl in the world.
Being sorry about everything automatically puts me in the submissive and takes the grounds for my confidence away. It squeezes the zeal out of you and slows you down.
That’s exactly what’s happening to me right now. Exams have just ended(my first uni exams!) and it’s time to get back on track with my upbeat, hectic life. I have people to meet, business to do, stories to write, studying, and myself to take care of. Yet thinking about all the things I need to start doing kind of puts me off from doing them. Yes, it’s probably partly because I’m a lazy bum, but a thread of thought that keeps winding around my brain is ‘What if you’re not good enough?’
“What if you’re not good enough?”
I knew, from the moment I decided to take the route of fashion as an under-experienced, prep-school student surrounded by prep-school friends who pursued lives indulged in studies, politics, or law, that the path I had begun to stroll along was going to be anything but easy and stable.
I know that some people still don’t approve. Whenever I hear about people that know me talk about my blog or my efforts as ‘asking for attention’, I think, ‘well… technically I am asking for attention, but the right attention’. I write (almost; sometimes I just don’t give a shit, I need to let out what’s on my mind and that’s all) every single post hoping that someone out there, in the fashion industry or outside of it, will be able to resonate with what I’ve written or at least feel something. I hope that it catches someone’s eye and maybe that someone will view fashion in a different light than they used to before.
(Being free. Denim, red, and flowery patterns. Took this two years ago.)
Business itself isn’t a virtue, but I believe it can be a tool to get to bigger things. I need to get myself back on track. I need to work on my eBay affiliate work and business, but mostly I need to focus on being a creator; thinking in depth again and expressing, rather than pushing down, my emotions. Guess this post is a start to a new term : )