What it feels like to fail to get into university

Written by Anonymous Person

I have become a useless person.

 

Over a fortnight, I have become a useless person. The once promising spark in my eyes and my cheeks flushing with excitement are gone. I have been stripped of the pride that lived in the crimson walls of my living room that hold all my past awards, each delicately placed in their rightful spots by my hopeful parents, ghost achievements that now just make me cringe at the thought of what could and should have been.

 

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Last night, a moment before I went to sleep, I realized that I had become a useless person.

 

In fact, I am more than useless. I am like a parasite, spreading through the tissue of my parents’ backbones, sucking out the harvest of their dedication and trust.

It is already 1AM when I check my phone to see the time. My parents-

My ears perk up as I focus on the soft moans of my mother and the heavy sighs from my father in the middle of the night. Their pain is palpable; I can tell that I am causing it.

 

“Serves You Right.”

 

Her voice pierces through me like the sharpest dagger. Because, I know that it does. I can feel my walls of self-righteousness and years of anxious rationalization crumbling down to the floor we stand on, the same 5 square meters of floor that our family has been tiptoeing on for the past two years of my expensive education. They needed this, we needed this, more than I did.

 

I think meticulously. How can I make myself useful again? How am I going to earn back my self esteem? My mind is clinging on to the edge of my pride and desperation. When you knock yourself off your tightrope with one single blow, which way should you fall?

 

I am serving time for my sins; I repent, I free-fall for a while, and I try not to look up or down, because up is too high for me now and down is a future that feels deeper and scarier than before.

 

Laying on my bed,

“Jen, what would you do–I mean, think, if–if I failed to get into any of the colleges I applied to?”

“I’d think, ‘Oh. She got unlucky.'”

 ‘If you believe what you say, words become reality.’ – Ingrid Betancourt 

A.K.A. why I haven’t been around here for a while, guys

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