Hey, sorry I haven’t blogged for a long time-I’m all about ‘no excuses’ but to give myself the least bit of defense and dignity, I was in a terrible slump period where I was just confused and withdrawn. I promise I’ll be a better blogger from now on. : ) Today’s post is for any of you going through that awkward period where you’re figuring out where that damn relationship(whether it’s a romantic one or a friendship) is going. This might help. I hope. (Although I’m in no place to lecture anyone about anything, I just wanted to share some thoughts.)
(Me on the left and BFF Jiyeon on the right. She’s on the ‘models’ page of the blog : )
We live in a fast-changing world, obviously, where we’re all out there pursuing the ‘next big thing’, whether it’s the next tv show, the next influential social media, the next it-celebrity, or the next cool dance move to make Vine videos doing(hopefully we shall now move on from twerking). It seems like we’ve come to so unconsciously and without a second thought accept the quick, snappy transitions from one temporary obsession to another and so blindly believe that we’re having fun while chasing after all these new, one-time things when actually, we’re not. And I feel like even relationships have come to be all about the thrill of the pursuit rather than the actual bonding between two people.
But the worst thing is, we can’t help it. It’s like a cold war where each person fights to have the upper hand and prove, to an empty audience, that they care less. You always have to be on your guard because the other person is probably ready to bounce away to the next thing, person, or motive, and you know you are, too. The more complex society becomes and we become, the less space we’ll have to experiment and be naïve, because if we don’t move on we’ll be used. Instead of being taught to always be kind and generous, in this generation we are always warned ‘not to be too nice’. You can’t be too nice because now niceness can become a fatal weakness. Romance doesn’t mean flowers and hugs and growing old together anymore; it encompasses unemotional lust, tragedy, and inevitably, foolish Facebook statuses, and somehow we as a generation believe in this twisted version of it because it’s cool and more interesting and it conforms more to our generation’s #YOLO atmosphere. ‘Heartbreak is the national anthem; we sing it proudly’ sings Taylor Swift in her song New Romantics, and she is right. (I couldn’t resist making that reference. I’m just a proud Swiftie. Although I still cringe every time I remember that awkward time when Taylor kept staring at me at her concert because I tried to take a video of her to send to my friend. We weren’t supposed to film. *sound of humans judging through laptop screens*)
And that’s why, although if I were talking to a large group of people I’d tell them we lack humility and warmth and that we should be nicer to each other amidst the concrete profit-seeking relationships, when I’m having a personal conversation with someone like my younger sister I need to tell her to learn to cut the right people off from her life. We all need to know when to get up and run from that toxic relationship (whaddya mean you don’t, remember that terrible ex? Or that evil ex best friend who you would never in your dreams voluntarily start a conversation with now? Yeah. I’m talking about them.) I tell her, don’t dish out too many second chances, don’t have too much faith that people will change, and most of all don’t let yourself believe that the moment will last. When someone tells you they love you, don’t make the mistake of thinking it means forever and ever and that you’ll all be happy together. Do enjoy each moment, but don’t think the moment is everything, your past, present, and future. It’s just a minuscule portion of the present.
Also, don’t stay if you don’t like the person you become when you’re with him/her. Yes, other people are important and sometimes you need to be selfless, but if you are not happy with yourself when you are with that person, that is NOT one of those times where you should be advocating selflessness. My best friend Jen always says relationships are always based on the give-and-take mechanism, and it would always bother me because it seemed like such a cold utilitarian thing to say, but let me say this now: she’s right. No matter how much you care about the other person, you are the one holding the reins to your own mind and body and emotions, and after all, we get ourselves into relationships in the hopes that it will make us happy. If that’s not happening because you ultimately are not comfortable in your own skin when that person is around, then Adios to that
There are so, so many complexities to the dynamics of relationships and I can’t possibly address every single reason to break up with someone, but overall I think the most important thing is, if someone does not see your worth, leave them. Leave them behind in that headed-for-trainwreck relationship and also leave your soppy trainwreck emotions behind, too. This is what it all comes down to. It took me 18 years(okay, so I’m still a baby to some of you out there but still, I speak from experience) to learn that you should never, ever stay with someone who doesn’t give you the respect you deserve. By respect I don’t mean the other person should worship you, I mean they should acknowledge you as an equal individual and respect your freedom, time, feelings(no matter how petty they may seem), and choices. If he/she suddenly calls you to come over when they feel like it but cancels plans you made with each other with the same thunderbolt suddenness, you should have a serious conversation with them because they are obviously not taking your time and schedule into consideration as much as theirs. That’s just plain rude. Another appalling rude thing is the other person using you for a specific purpose, whether it’s work, academics, their social status, sex, or food (what) (no for real tho) etc. How dare they approach you and use you for their own purpose. You’re not there with them in that relationship to give them what they want, you’re in it under the notion of mutual respect, trust, and care. If the other person only sees you for a specific purpose, it means they are too stupid to notice that behind that mask you are also an expert at cracking jokes at the right timing, or that you can’t pronounce certain words properly but look cute because of it, that you always analyze people in the subway like you’re freakin Sherlock, that you curl up in a ball when you sleep, that you never drink fizzy drinks, that you have a whole Pinterest board full of pictures of gorgeous bedrooms because, well, you like bedrooms, that you’re secretly good at singing but you don’t sing in front of other people, that you love to argue, that that you keep a
diary journal that’s full of all the nice things he/she did or said to you and that the list each day got shorter and shorter, or that your eyes used to light up whenever he/she walked into the room. If they can’t see the little things like that and love you for them, they’re probably not worth the heartbreak.
So basically, what I’m trying to say is: Love yourself before you can love others, and if the other person is not appreciating you, do yourself a favor and cut them off.
This post holds too many negative emotions that I feel like I need to cleanse it up a bit with some genuine, good old friendship. Moi with my best friend Jen(mentioned above, and around the blog a lot probably) on vacation last year!
We actually didn’t speak for a whole year at one point though because we got into a fight (I tried to find some fancy words to make it sound more mature and interesting but nah ‘we got into a fight’ is pretty accurate). It was a misunderstanding though. So…I guess another thing to remember is to confront people before you make the final decision to cut them off. If that doesn’t work, well, then get your ass out of there.
Love you! : )