(Two years ago-me being a silly 15 year old in New York! One of the happiest memories of my life. It was the first time I had ever visited the US, and I was with my best friend. I love this photo because I look so naive and incredibly happy.)
Lots of changes are being made in my life these days. At school, aside from the usual schoolwork, I now have to start writing college applications for next year and I must also take several exams, again, for college. And then outside of school I have this whole other world of blogging and fashion business and social media frenzy, where things are starting to become really exciting- keep an eye out for new collaboration projects which are gonna be here soon, guys. (I can’t dish out much info now but you’ll find out in a bit! You’ll be surprised! ; ) And THEN we’re left with my personal life- relationships, family, and all that jazz. Obviously I can’t reveal too much about THAT either, but for now, all I can say is that I feel that I’m becoming much more mature in terms of relationships with people. I think it’s because I’m growing to be more accepting.
With so much around me and inside me transitioning, I’m excited yet anxious, as any growing teenager my age would be. Soon I’m going to be of legal age. (Do you hear that? LEGAL. AGE. My goodness, time flies.) Every day I’m feeling new emotions, I’m experiencing new things, and through all this newness I can feel myself getting older. I’ve always held a fear of growing old. It’s not necessarily a fear of seeing the numbers of my age get bigger. It’s a fundamental fear of ‘change’. I can’t imagine myself mentally, emotionally, or physically being different from how I am now. It’s almost like I can’t believe that someday I’ll have to hand in my youthful skin and dreaming mind for a set of wrinkles and a careful, serious attitude attributed to a lifetime of experience. Of course, not all cases of aging go like this, and I do acknowledge that wrinkles and old age have their own beauty. However, right now I just feel like THIS-the way I am at this moment-is me.
I’m only 17 and a half and already I’m noticing that I’ve changed so much-from a mischievous yet smart little girl in London to a quiet, reserved pre-teen after suddenly moving to Korea(I knew little Korean back then), and finally to who I am now, a confused yet pretty self-actualized and excited teenager with so many problems and so little time. And looking back, I miss my old self sometimes. I think, ‘Maybe I’d have become a more positive person if I hadn’t so suddenly moved here, maybe I needed more time‘, and ‘What if the little girl inside me is gone forever?‘ These thoughts usually creep up on me when I’m feeling sentimental in a sad way. And then these thoughts move on to scare me about how much I’ll change in the future. ‘Look how much you’ve changed in just 17 years. Imagine how much more you’ll change as you become an adult and get thrown into the reality of society, with money and real relationships and all the other hazards of the adult world that you’re being protected from right now!‘ says the voice in the back of my head.
I don’t want to grow up because I love myself the way I am now, all the flaws too. I do want to improve, and don’t get me wrong-I am truly exhilarated just thinking of the future and all my dreams and ambitions-but I don’t want myself to radically change. It may sound cowardly and oh-so-typical-teenager-like, but it’s something I’ve been thinking about for a long time now. I. don’t. want. to. grow. up.
But I guess the best I can do at present is to just work harder toward my goals and hope for the best; hope that I won’t become too materialized, hope that I’ll stay passionate, hope that I’ll grow stronger, hope that all the scars will heal and shape a better ‘me’ for the future.
Thanks for taking the time to read this, guys. : )
And a special thanks to my Korean readers, who are showing so much support on Facebook right now!