So it’s 3 AM. I’m lying here in my grandmother’s bed. I’m on a family trip to Daegu(that’s a city in the Southern part of South Korea), because it’s my grandmother’s 70th birthday. I’m just lying here wondering, “What am I doing here?”
It’s actually a question that I’ve been asking myself for a few weeks now. “What the heck am I doing here?” “Why am I here?” It triggers a moment of confusion and sharp thinking about the situation I’m in. I think about my fate, my life, and about nothingness. Every time I ask myself the question, the world stops still for a split second and my brain seems to whizz past everything in my life. Even though I constantly ask myself the question, I’ve never been able to provide myself with a sufficient enough answer(which is probably why I keep asking myself). The question throws me back every time; it catches me when I’m least expecting it, unendowed with the level of deepness that the question requires at that moment. For a thousandth of a second, I’m drawn into the question. And then the question just disappears, like a puff of cigarette smoke, as my friend in the distance calls me to ask me something about our Math homework.
That’s why I’ve decided to lay here and find the answer to the question before I fall asleep. I want to find a definite answer, so that I can fully eliminate the little puddle of guilt that has formed in a lonely corner of my mind. Well, to begin with, I didn’t choose to be born as myself. I didn’t choose to look like this, to be Korean to be in this environment, etc. But I definitely did make certain decisions that have led me to become who I am now. I chose to stay up till 5 AM writing about fashion. I chose to come to this school to study. I also chose to create or break relationships as I grew up. So I guess you could say that the logical reason I’m here at this point in time, in this particular place, with these people, is fate and my choices. Therefore, every moment of my life is a result, a consequence, of this life I’ve made for myself.
Then… does this mean I’m here merely because this situation is an inevitable aftermath that I’ve brought upon myself? Surely there must be something more. After an internal existential crisis, I conclude that there really isn’t a solid reason for me being here doing what I’m doing. Everyone has different themes that they focus on throughout their lifetime, and that’s why we all have different motives to our lives. The purpose of life isn’t there for us to find. We make the purpose of our own lives as we experience and learn. It’s the choices I make and the attitudes I obtain that define and shape my reason for existence. In short, it’s up to me.
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